Life After My Father's Death
August 17th, 2025
Last Friday, some of us from the undergrad class got together to make custard and just hang out. I had a good time, to be honest. I had a couple (or like seven) aguardientes and a beer. I laughed too much at every stupid joke they made, and it was... I don't know, I haven't felt this happy, this good, in a while.
The last year (or two) has been complete shit, with so many delays in my thesis and what happened with my dad, and I just felt paralyzed, watching everything go by and sinking into a terrible depression that turned everything into total crap.
Little by little, I feel like I'm recovering, although I don't know if it's true or just my brain tricking me. My dad thing still doesn't seem to really sink in for me. Most of the time, I don't even think about him, but sometimes I get sad because he's not here anymore, and I don't know, it's conflictive. We didn't even get along, but here I am, feeling like shit because he's not here. Grief is weird, and I don't think I've even begun to process all these conflicting feelings I have about him, and I have no idea if I'll ever be able to.
This week I started the uni's classes again, and let's just say I'm feeling excited? (idk) about the two electives I signed up for, even though I'm a little scared, tbh. Both my thesis and the internship are still up in the air. I know next week I have to start untangling both issues, but I feel so anxious about it that I don't know when I'll be able to work up the courage to do it.
The future still scares me because between now and December, I'll know if I'll have to look for a job and face that particular burden that sometimes doesn't let me sleep. It feels almost stupid to keep repeating it now. I've said it so many times I sound like a parrot, but I can't keep going on like this, living off my mom's charity like I'm still a teenager. I'm really scared of going out into the world. I don't think it will ever go away, this feeling that I'm clumsy, a fraud, and a disaster
But in the end, that doesn't even matter because I have to fend for myself. If there's one thing that hit me head-on with my dad's situation, it's that people don't last forever, and I have to live my life and at least be independent. Ha. Me being independent sounds like a joke because I've spent the last ten years clinging to my mom's skirt, unable to face the world. But that has to change eventually, before she's gone. I have to have something in life to call my own, no matter how small and pathetic it may seem to people, because I can't keep being this fraud that stares back at me every time I look in the mirror.